Same Love Different Emotions

I am a 41 year old mother with 5 year old and 1 year old monsters, oops sorry boys I mean. I refer to them as JS2 and JS3 respectively. JS3 was born 14 months ago and since then day and night passes like a fast forward movie. Even before I can take a breather late evening after a long day, the sun rises up for the next day. Some days my arms ache like mad from high demand night breastfeeding (more like latching I feel), and yet my body will get up in the morning like on an auto mode. This thing called motherhood just makes you do things that I would grumble about before. Being an economist background,  I am perpetually on analytical mode. But nope motherhood has changed all that. It’s like these boys have put a spell on me or have a hidden mummy remote somewhere. From the sun rises till the time I put my head to sleep – it is all about them! 

I was worried a couple of months ago, about losing my self identity. Losing the independent career woman  that I am. But now I am not worried anymore, because I have totally lost it! And I am not bothered about losing it anymore. Two boys and my life totally changed. 

I used to have big plans, big goals for myself. Now I just take one day at a time. Yesterday was a lot of screaming and grouches due to long travelling on Deepavali celebration day. Today was calm for first half due to JS2’s big achievement in class but later succumbed to little one’s grouchy mood. None of my days are predictable so we’ll just have to see what tomorrow brings. 

People said I have gone through this 5 years ago. So why does it feel so different and so hard this time round? Well I have never shared this with anyone but everyday I am torn with 2 different emotions for these 2 boys. Don’t get me wrong, I love them unconditionally the same. I want the same best things for them. It’s the emotions that I have for each of them that differs. How is that so?

Well let me explain. Each pregnancy I had was a profound phase for me. With JS2 everything was bed of roses. I just got married then and I was over the moon of the idea of being pregnant. Had the pregnancy journals, my face was constantly glowing and all food smelled like blueberry  and tasted like chocolate moist! I was cautious with everything I did – being in the kitchen, walking in wet toilet, etc. I pampered myself like crazy. It was like I deserved to be spoilt. Everything was according to plan, C Section delivered the most beautiful baby on earth when I first set my eyes on him.

With JS3, things were quite different. Right before my second pregnancy, I went through 2 years of the lowest point in my life (career wise). The dark clouds were just clearing when I got pregnant, but there were still occasional rain and storm. The first trimester was about keeping my chin up and bottling things inside. It is unbelievable that I can now still feel the pain and the holding up emotions which I endured for that months. All throughout the 9 months, I was physically challenged. Walking was like dragging 2 huge logs below my hips. I was constantly tired. I would have to nap during office lunch time, my taste buds didn’t cooperate with the pregnancy and don’t try to push my button – I was on auto sensitive mode at all times. Did I mention that I was 40 years of age at that time?

Being pregnant with JS3 seemed like forever. JS2 was delivered at week 36 due to breeched baby and low amniotic fluid. With JS3, we waited and waited and waited. Finally at week 40, I had to be induced due to some internal bleeding. Oh man, was the boy reluctant to come out. Thanks to epidural my labour pain was pleasantly 5 hours. It was only when the epidural was removed for the delivery push, that things became challenging. Trying to push the baby out for 2 hours wasn’t exactly what I had imagined from the books I read and the TV series that I watched. It was most excruciating pain I had ever experienced. I feel that every single bone, flesh and cells in my body were going to explode. I even thought that would be that moment my life to come to an end. When the baby finally came out, I swear I passed out consciously. I remember seeing things like dr, nurses moving about and my hubby carrying the baby. But I cannot remember hearing anything.

So how does that effect how things are now? Because of the pregnancy and delivery emotions that I experienced with these 2 boys, the emotions raising each of them are quite different. 

With JS2 I feel that he can achieve the moon and stars if he sets his mind on it. I feel even with very little effort spent with him, it is truly rewarding for me. Even when he has his bad days with me, I will take it lightly and laugh it off. He is the star to his father’s eyes. Everything that we want to give him seem effortless. He has been quite fortunate I must admit.

However with JS3 I cannot help but symphatise with him all the time.  See the thing is he IS achieving the same developmental milestone if not better than JS2. He is a constantly colorful and happy baby. Nothing like what I experienced when I was pregnant with him. He can already sing to a few nursery rhymes which his brother didn’t at all this age. He is definitely more physically active than his brother. 

The other day, the paedetrician informed us that JS3 is grossly underweight and may hinder his height potential. I was so worked up for weeks. Read google, books day and night. Spoke to friends for tips, etc. Then there was another Incident one month after, we had problems with his birthday party the night before the date (which was not our fault). I prepared tirelessly for weeks and weeks for this party to ensure he would get the same or better celebration compared to his brother. I cried the whole night thinking how JS3 shouldn’t be put through the dissapointment given so many challenges he has had since I was pregnant. 

So the cut story short, whilst I have the light hearted emotion for my eldest son, I seem to carry a symphatetic emotion for the younger one. It’s really bizarre how one’s emotion during pregnancy and delivery can trickle down to many years down the road. 

I do hope the differ in emotions will not be permanent as I want to feel the same for both of them. I do not want them to grow feeling treated differently. Emotions are always translated into actions. Love is expressed by words. 

At the end of the day, children will understand and believe us by actions not by our words. 

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